freaked OUT!

So we had a great spring afternoon here in KC. After picking up Titus at school, we did homework and then headed to the garage to stain our bamboo blinds. Deciding it was really a grown-up's job, Titus opted to ride his bike around the drive way. I need to back up I guess.

Titus had already run down the street, four houses away, to see if his buddy Evan could play. He immediately came home saying that Evan was at someone else's house. That is when we headed out to stain the blinds and ride the bike.

After about 15 minutes or so. Titus heard Evan's voice. "Mom, can I go see if Evan is home now?" As always, I followed up my affirmative answer with "come right back".

Being engaged in my staining project, I didn't keep track of the minutes. It must have been 10 minutes later - maybe 15 - could have been 20 - and I realized - no Titus. I made the trek up the street, paint brush in hand, a bit irritated with my boy who was, no doubt, playing at Evan's. But his mom said, "nope, Titus isn't here. He came by about an hour ago and I told him Evan wasn't home." After a brief discussion about suspicious dog deaths in our neighborhood, I said I needed to go find him. "I expect he came back home and went inside. See you later."

I called for Titus in the kitchen, the dining room, the living room, his bedroom - upstairs, downstairs. No response. Outside under the front porch. No answer. Still figuring that he was playing somewhere with Evan, I was miffed. And just a tad bit concerned. Down the alley, his name being called out with increasing volume - no answer. Back inside. "Answer me, Titus. Where are you?"

Now I'm equally mad and scared, but still in control. Another trip up the street. Another round through the house. Another look under the porch and down the alley both ways. Nothing. Evan and some other kids peered out on the next block over. "Have you seen Titus?" Up the street again, another kid - "have you seen Titus?" Back down to our house. "Titus!" Across the street again, "Is Titus hiding? I need to know if he's with you?"

I can no longer say I don't know what it feels like to lose a child. At least I now know the initial feeling a parent has when their kid has disappeared. One more time through the house, this time through sobs, my voice losing control a bit. Elizabeth, who is living with us, came out of her room. "Titus is missing." Quickly she came out, looking across the street, headed around the corner. I'm sobbing now. It has been 25 - 30 minutes since he left to see if Evan could play.

I was walking toward the back of the house when the switch flipped. This is it. This is our son. We are the crying parents on TV - amber alert - how could I let this happen - Ray's going to be so mad at me - oh God, where is he? Titus!

I grabbed my phone and called 911. The woman on the other end told me I needed to calm down so that she could understand me. "I can't find my son. My son is gone. He's five." Still sobbing, still calling out his name, answering her questions. "Where did you last see him?" Now Evan's mom is on her porch holding her baby. Evan and the other kids across the street are calling for Titus.

All of the emotions were there. He was really gone. And then Elizabeth yells from the alley, I could see her between the houses - I found him! "We found him." I told the 911 lady. He's OK. We found him.

I sat and held my baby. Right there in my neighbor's drive way. Small boy. My boy. He was lost and now found. He was OK. Still alive. Still mine. Still safe.

*I needed to write this. I'm obviously glad this had a happy ending. But believe me. Even though we had a happy ending, I spent a solid 5 minutes thinking my only child was gone - taken - abducted. My emotions were 100% of the "my baby is gone variety". It was intense. I feel like I was run over by a truck physically. Emotionally, I quickly recovered. But the pure adrenaline driven emotion of losing a child is like nothing I've ever experienced in my life. I wish I could put it into words. Such a solitary experience. I'm so sorry for all of those parents who have not had the happy ending.