I just started reading a book that has been on my radar for several months. My friend Jenn from church loaned it to me yesterday. It is just what I need right now.
One of the parts that really struck me was a scenario where she was petitioning God. She ended up crafting a petition that she signed. Her friend, who was driving them to Kansas, signed it too - verbally that is. Then the friend started adding the names of others who would sign it. Together they ended up with a list that ranged from her parents to Bill & Hillary Clinton, Mother Teresa, and various other celebrities through out history.
Lately I've been my own worst critic. I find myself rehearsing not so nice opinions about my character, intelligence, interpersonal patterns, anything really has been game of late.
So when the author was petitioning God to intervene in a painful situation on her behalf, I found my self saying "no one would sign my petition". No one would petition God on my behalf. No one would think that I deserve not to suffer. I'm not even sure I could sign it. Doesn't that suck! I'm really in a bad spot. It was all very enlightening.
I'm wondering why. I know I have a lot of things to be working out right now. I'm wondering if my hormones & bio-chemicals are out of whack with the metformin I'm taking to lower my androgens. I'm feeling the need to pray more.
I know that is a place to start.
For years prayer and scripture have been a duty. I have kind of sworn off them for a while, saying I'm not going to do them unless they mean something other than good Christian shoulds. I have a lot of history with shoulds. And I want to be free of it. God wants me free of it. Well, now it feels like scripture and prayer might be a nutritional diet for my soul once again.
I'm sure it has been before. It just has been a season for me lately. And I didn't want to deal with it by "pressing in" or "getting right with God" - I really hate that term. I think I've learned in a new way what it means to receive the love of God without striving, without deserving, without earning it. All of those Christian habits had become proofs of my spiritual maturity rather than spiritual sustenance. And therefore, they were dirty rags.
I'm not sure this is a terribly cohesive post. And it is quite raw. But who cares. The bottom line is I think I may actually get somewhere now - there are lots of layers to be ripped off. But in my core, I find I am alive. I guess this is all a good process during lent. Death to life. Amen. Let it be so.
3 comments:
By the way - I can't help but think of a practice we employ in our Sunday worship service. We have a segment called Prayers of the People. It is a time when anyone can offer a prayer out loud, ending with the phrase "this is my prayer".
In response, we all say "Lord hear my prayer". As a confession of our unity. I guess we're signing the petition. I like it. There is power in knowing that you can offer a prayer/petition to God and at least 50 other people will sign it.
Hey Nancy,
That books' been on my radar too. I'm glad to hear more good things about that. I really relate to you distaste to those phrases "pressing in" and "getting right with God." I find those phrases to be so tiresome, and like you say, full of the implication that my "getting right" with God has something to do with some hard core spiritual weightlifting. I'm glad that comign back to scripture and prayer feels like a more organic move. That's a good thing, in my mind =)
"I have a lot of history with shoulds." I thought that was such a good way of putting how so many of us recovering evangelicals feel. I went through a similar season with prayer and scripture, where I held them at arm's length. My season lasted through most of college and some of seminary! I hope yours hasn't been quite so long. Now, as before, prayer and scripture are sustenance for me . It seems like they are becoming that for you, and I'm really glad. Are you into lectio divina at all?
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